When you get into a medical situation your Dr's "not comfortable" getting you out of.

So.  I'm obese.  According to the nasty bad BMI chart thingy.  (Which i'm starting to think is a load of horse manure, but that's a rant for another day.) Which is a really good thing cause 9 ish months ago I was Morbidly Obese.  But I'm starting my story in the wrong spot.  Let me try again.
December 1st (ish) 2012 I was almost 9 months pregnant with my first baby and learned that the baby was in what the big smarty pants Dr.s call: "transverse lie." which basically means he was laying sideways in my pelvis instead of head down.   Those smarty pants Dr.s immediately started throwing around that Cesarian word and when I told them I wanted a completely natural birth they looked at me like I was a nut job.  Long long long story considerably shorter, When i went to the Maternal Fetal Medicine center to have them perform a Manual Cephalic Version which is fancy pants dr talk for moving the baby into optimal position for labor, We learned that in my situation it was a bit risky, and there was less than a 50% chance that the version would be successful and if it were not successful, We'd end up in an emergency C-section anyway.  We decided (and I believe it was the best decision given the information we had) to have a "planned c-section" and avoid the added complications and risks that an emergency c-section would have entailed.  So on June 28th I went to my doctor.  I said to him: "If I can lose the weight and get healthy, will you support me in attempting a VBAC?"In that appointment he said to me: "when a woman gets fat on the outside they get fat on the inside, so it's harder to push a baby out.  So when I see a woman come in to have a baby at close to 300 lbs I just think you might as well section her." a month later he had his receptionist call and tell me: "No, but he wants to talk to you about it."  I can't think of anything to talk about, so, I start to hunt for a new doctor.  I'm not willing to have major abdominal surgery for all my babies.  My body is capable of accomplishing this and I will not doubt. 
So last month I went to an OB in Salt Lake who came highly recommended.  I told him what I wanted we discussed briefly the circumstances of my c-section, and he said well, I don't see any reason you shouldn't be able to attempt a vbac. You just need to find and OB down in Provo.  They will monitor your labor very closely and if there is a lot of blood or if the baby has trouble then they will look at things, but you should be fine.  So now, I'm on the hunt for an OB in the Provo area.  I have had several recommendations, but lately the recommendations have ended in disappointment as each doctor who came highly recommended (other than this Dr. Langeland in SL) has shown themselves to have either Crappy bedside manner, little to no care about me as an individual, or a knack for saying stupid things.  Is it really too much to ask to see an intelligent, compassionate doctor?

Motivation (warning I use curse words.)

Yep, it's time again to look at my motives.  Interesting that I have to repeat this exercise.  I'm sorry if this is boring to anyone, but really, this blog is more about me processing than anything else, so it doesn't really matter.  I've been struggling with my healthy choices lately, in fact through pretty much all of September, half of August, and the first part of October.  Oh and the first half of July.  How much farther along could I be if I had just continued to make good choices.  But I didn't and now the consequences are mine. 
So why you ask did I make less than stellar choices?  well, I have  a lot of excuses, but really I just didn't make good choices. I know better.

About 3 months ago I went to my doctor to talk about the possiblity of having a VBAC (no I'm not preggers now, but My sister is having the fight of her life for her vbac, so I'm starting early) I was told NO. it took all the piss and vinegar right out of me. My doctor basically told me that no matter how healthy I got or how much weight I lost he would not support me in attempting a vbac. I was devastated, and angry. I of course got a second opinion and have since learned some of the reasons behind his refusal, but since then it's like my motivation to get healthy is on sabbatical. It got worse when I went to visit my sister and made the mistake of telling her what my big overall goal was. (I want to get down to 155 lbs.)  She proceeded to ask me why I wasn't planning on losing more. Specifically she said: "I think you would look amazing at 130 lbs.  Seriously?? I'm making serious changes and that's not enough for you?? o. . . k. . . . Then I recently went to another doctor and while the visit was much more hopeful, it also took some of the motivation from me. So anyway, for the last month, I've been eating anything my little fingers can find. SO IRRITATING. I know what I need to do to get rid of the weight and I know what I need to do to get my body where it needs to be, I just find that I don't want to do that. It's like I've lost my ability to care.  That's not ok.  No one else is going to care about be if I don't. In September I had a goal to get to 180. I was totally on track to be there too until I allowed myself to get derailed. Instead I put on 5 lbs. I guess what I'm saying now is that I commit for myself to get back on track. I deserve to live in a healthy body. I deserve to be strong and able to take care of my son and carry another little person in a healthy body. I deserve to feel beautiful. I deserve to make the choices that will get me there. I deserve to have the body, mind, health, and spirit, that will allow me to be the spunky old lady I've always envisioned for myself. My Son deserves to have a healthy Mama. He deserves to have a Mama who plays with him and runs and can keep him safe and happy. He deserves to have a Mama who can teach him about how to make healthy choices for his own body, and how to maintain his health. My husband deserves to have a wife who is happy in her skin. So. Starting today, I'm getting this locomotive back on track and headed where I want to be. Have a great October. (here's to spending Thanksgiving just "overweight" instead of "obese" for the first time in over a decade. )