Motivation (warning I use curse words.)

Yep, it's time again to look at my motives.  Interesting that I have to repeat this exercise.  I'm sorry if this is boring to anyone, but really, this blog is more about me processing than anything else, so it doesn't really matter.  I've been struggling with my healthy choices lately, in fact through pretty much all of September, half of August, and the first part of October.  Oh and the first half of July.  How much farther along could I be if I had just continued to make good choices.  But I didn't and now the consequences are mine. 
So why you ask did I make less than stellar choices?  well, I have  a lot of excuses, but really I just didn't make good choices. I know better.

About 3 months ago I went to my doctor to talk about the possiblity of having a VBAC (no I'm not preggers now, but My sister is having the fight of her life for her vbac, so I'm starting early) I was told NO. it took all the piss and vinegar right out of me. My doctor basically told me that no matter how healthy I got or how much weight I lost he would not support me in attempting a vbac. I was devastated, and angry. I of course got a second opinion and have since learned some of the reasons behind his refusal, but since then it's like my motivation to get healthy is on sabbatical. It got worse when I went to visit my sister and made the mistake of telling her what my big overall goal was. (I want to get down to 155 lbs.)  She proceeded to ask me why I wasn't planning on losing more. Specifically she said: "I think you would look amazing at 130 lbs.  Seriously?? I'm making serious changes and that's not enough for you?? o. . . k. . . . Then I recently went to another doctor and while the visit was much more hopeful, it also took some of the motivation from me. So anyway, for the last month, I've been eating anything my little fingers can find. SO IRRITATING. I know what I need to do to get rid of the weight and I know what I need to do to get my body where it needs to be, I just find that I don't want to do that. It's like I've lost my ability to care.  That's not ok.  No one else is going to care about be if I don't. In September I had a goal to get to 180. I was totally on track to be there too until I allowed myself to get derailed. Instead I put on 5 lbs. I guess what I'm saying now is that I commit for myself to get back on track. I deserve to live in a healthy body. I deserve to be strong and able to take care of my son and carry another little person in a healthy body. I deserve to feel beautiful. I deserve to make the choices that will get me there. I deserve to have the body, mind, health, and spirit, that will allow me to be the spunky old lady I've always envisioned for myself. My Son deserves to have a healthy Mama. He deserves to have a Mama who plays with him and runs and can keep him safe and happy. He deserves to have a Mama who can teach him about how to make healthy choices for his own body, and how to maintain his health. My husband deserves to have a wife who is happy in her skin. So. Starting today, I'm getting this locomotive back on track and headed where I want to be. Have a great October. (here's to spending Thanksgiving just "overweight" instead of "obese" for the first time in over a decade. )