So. I'm obese. According to the nasty bad BMI chart thingy. (Which i'm starting to think is a load of horse manure, but that's a rant for another day.) Which is a really good thing cause 9 ish months ago I was Morbidly Obese. But I'm starting my story in the wrong spot. Let me try again.
December 1st (ish) 2012 I was almost 9 months pregnant with my first baby and learned that the baby was in what the big smarty pants Dr.s call: "transverse lie." which basically means he was laying sideways in my pelvis instead of head down. Those smarty pants Dr.s immediately started throwing around that Cesarian word and when I told them I wanted a completely natural birth they looked at me like I was a nut job. Long long long story considerably shorter, When i went to the Maternal Fetal Medicine center to have them perform a Manual Cephalic Version which is fancy pants dr talk for moving the baby into optimal position for labor, We learned that in my situation it was a bit risky, and there was less than a 50% chance that the version would be successful and if it were not successful, We'd end up in an emergency C-section anyway. We decided (and I believe it was the best decision given the information we had) to have a "planned c-section" and avoid the added complications and risks that an emergency c-section would have entailed. So on June 28th I went to my doctor. I said to him: "If I can lose the weight and get healthy, will you support me in attempting a VBAC?"In that appointment he said to me: "when a woman gets fat on the outside they get fat on the inside, so it's harder to push a baby out. So when I see a woman come in to have a baby at close to 300 lbs I just think you might as well section her." a month later he had his receptionist call and tell me: "No, but he wants to talk to you about it." I can't think of anything to talk about, so, I start to hunt for a new doctor. I'm not willing to have major abdominal surgery for all my babies. My body is capable of accomplishing this and I will not doubt.
So last month I went to an OB in Salt Lake who came highly recommended. I told him what I wanted we discussed briefly the circumstances of my c-section, and he said well, I don't see any reason you shouldn't be able to attempt a vbac. You just need to find and OB down in Provo. They will monitor your labor very closely and if there is a lot of blood or if the baby has trouble then they will look at things, but you should be fine. So now, I'm on the hunt for an OB in the Provo area. I have had several recommendations, but lately the recommendations have ended in disappointment as each doctor who came highly recommended (other than this Dr. Langeland in SL) has shown themselves to have either Crappy bedside manner, little to no care about me as an individual, or a knack for saying stupid things. Is it really too much to ask to see an intelligent, compassionate doctor?
Saturday, October 5, 2013
Motivation (warning I use curse words.)
Yep, it's time again to look at my motives. Interesting that I have to repeat this exercise. I'm sorry if this is boring to anyone, but really, this blog is more about me processing than anything else, so it doesn't really matter. I've been struggling with my healthy choices lately, in fact through pretty much all of September, half of August, and the first part of October. Oh and the first half of July. How much farther along could I be if I had just continued to make good choices. But I didn't and now the consequences are mine.
So why you ask did I make less than stellar choices? well, I have a lot of excuses, but really I just didn't make good choices. I know better.
So why you ask did I make less than stellar choices? well, I have a lot of excuses, but really I just didn't make good choices. I know better.
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Some blogs I've loved recently.
Monday, June 3, 2013
The Ramblings of my enfeebled mind
I've learned something about my body. It not only matters the number of calories I put into it, but the type of calories. That may sound strange, but I learned this week that if my caloric input is from salty or over sugary junky food, my body will tend to hold on to it, if it's from healthy lean protein, veggies, and whole grains, my body lets go of storage like I let go of bugs or spiders. Log that away, I feel better too. I really need to remember that the next time I'm wanting a binge day. :) oh well. I'm back on track and it will all iron out.
My son is sleeping now. He had a rough night. Consequently I'm tired. Exhausted would be a better word for it. Is there a more tired word than exhausted? After waking up crying for the fourth time in 20 minutes I tried to nurse him back to sleep and he bit me. This is the first time he's done this, so it actually surprised me. I gave him some tylenol thinking that maybe he was waking up because he was in pain. It sortof worked. At least I think it did. I think he slept for a full 20 - 40 minutes after that.
We had a very rough week this week. He had a fall, and has a scrape on his head. I of course feel awful, awful, awful about this, but I've done everything I could do. After the fall, he had a hard nap day, meaning he didn't really get a good nap in, and then when he finally conked out for the night, we were out running errands. He was woken by a well meaning Dad, and then the son proceeded to scream for the next 4 hours. I was awake with him until 11:30/ midnight. He was screaming the entire time. He didn't want to nurse, (a first for him and that freaked me out a little) He didn't want to be held, he did NOT want to be set down, nothing was working. I figured it was just overtired, but the husband was worried. The next day I noticed that his ear (only one of them) was hot. I of course was concerned that he could have an ear infection, and after consulting with two of my sisters we decided to take him to urgent care and get him checked out. This was of course at 8 pm on a Saturday night. By the time we got him to the Dr, he was happy as could be, his ear was no longer warm, and he was flirting with the nurses! Dr. checked him out said he does not have an ear infection, and his scratched head is healing just fine. I felt so stupid. Of course I've been feeling like the worst Mommy in the world because he fell, and then I couldn't tell if he had an ear infection or not. I didn't feel like I was seeing any difference in his behavior other than the night that he was super tired and screaming. I don't know. Perhaps it would be better to not write blog posts when I'm the living breathing antithesis of fresh and energetic like this.
I just read over this and it reminded me of this. Haha. enjoy!
My son is sleeping now. He had a rough night. Consequently I'm tired. Exhausted would be a better word for it. Is there a more tired word than exhausted? After waking up crying for the fourth time in 20 minutes I tried to nurse him back to sleep and he bit me. This is the first time he's done this, so it actually surprised me. I gave him some tylenol thinking that maybe he was waking up because he was in pain. It sortof worked. At least I think it did. I think he slept for a full 20 - 40 minutes after that.
We had a very rough week this week. He had a fall, and has a scrape on his head. I of course feel awful, awful, awful about this, but I've done everything I could do. After the fall, he had a hard nap day, meaning he didn't really get a good nap in, and then when he finally conked out for the night, we were out running errands. He was woken by a well meaning Dad, and then the son proceeded to scream for the next 4 hours. I was awake with him until 11:30/ midnight. He was screaming the entire time. He didn't want to nurse, (a first for him and that freaked me out a little) He didn't want to be held, he did NOT want to be set down, nothing was working. I figured it was just overtired, but the husband was worried. The next day I noticed that his ear (only one of them) was hot. I of course was concerned that he could have an ear infection, and after consulting with two of my sisters we decided to take him to urgent care and get him checked out. This was of course at 8 pm on a Saturday night. By the time we got him to the Dr, he was happy as could be, his ear was no longer warm, and he was flirting with the nurses! Dr. checked him out said he does not have an ear infection, and his scratched head is healing just fine. I felt so stupid. Of course I've been feeling like the worst Mommy in the world because he fell, and then I couldn't tell if he had an ear infection or not. I didn't feel like I was seeing any difference in his behavior other than the night that he was super tired and screaming. I don't know. Perhaps it would be better to not write blog posts when I'm the living breathing antithesis of fresh and energetic like this.
I just read over this and it reminded me of this. Haha. enjoy!
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Thank you Pt3
I don't know how many of you like to clean, but. . I don't. There are tasks I enjoy as long as my son isn't screaming, like folding laundry or washing dishes. But to really clean. . . not a fan. However, since I am mortal, my body creates messes. Like hair all over the bathroom. Especially since I recently had a baby. Apparently having babies can make your hair fall out. I was not aware of this before I got pregnant. Now there is hair ALL OVER. In my bed, in my bathroom, in my carpet. . . I find it in my sons fingers constantly. Well, night before last I had a dream that I was living on a pirate ship and it was my job to clean the latrines. . . When I woke up I decided that dream meant I needed to clean my bathroom. With cleaning solutions and everything. We won't talk about how long it's been. I don't need to give you nightmares. But suffice it to say I cleaned my bathroom yesterday, Did Laundry, tried to get my dishes done, took a walk with my son, made dinner, unpacked several boxes from storage, and even thought about vacuuming. Thank you body for the weird dreams that inspired me to clean and for doing the cleaning without gagging when it came to the toilet. Did I mention I found some old writing I did I think in highschool where I talked about how much I hate cleaning toilets and how it makes me gag? well, this time it didn't. Thanks Body!!
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
A bit of earth
Last year just before I got preggo and exhaustion set in to not depart for 9 months, I threw about 6 old potatoes out into our little dirt pile. I buried them and figured "if they grow, they grow, if not. . . oh well". So, they grew, and they bloomed and then they just. . . kinda. . . died. I was bummed, but not devastated. After all, they were squishy and old when I put them out there, I wasn't even sure they were going to grow, and besides the soil I put them in was AWFUL I'm pretty sure there is only dirt about 6 inches down and then it's cement. I also planted some iris bulbs my husbands grandmother gave me and I rejoiced as I watched those four little plants bloom.
My Mother had a plot of irises at the top of our driveway that would bloom with purple blossoms every spring. I loved that spot of hope and color after the long dreary Idaho winters. I remember watching them as the little buds began to emerge and I knew that the browns and grays and dirt of winter had been beaten back again.
Imagine my excitement this year when EIGHT little plants came up! I was literally doing happy dances. I wasn't even sure the poor things had survived our never ending winter.
My sister Rosalee offered to share some of her garden with me including her many colors of irises and I joyfully said I would take some. I guessed that digging them up and moving them a hour away would shock them badly enough that they wouldn't bloom this year, but I was looking forward to a LOT of color next year. She gave me some of each color she had. I helped her dig them up rushed home and put them in the ground. Then I left on vacation for four days. . .
When I got home, my little flower patch looked like someone had taken a torch to it. They were all laying on the ground like exhausted little children so I tried to prop them up with soil. Sad but hopeful, I turned on the sprinklers and waited.
My visiting teacher and friend bought a tomato plant and brought it to me with excerpts from this talk from the most recent LDS general conference. She is so amazing. I love her. Well, now I had to include veggies in my little garden spot, so my husband and I went and purchased another tomato, two pepper plants and a package of onion starts. It took me a couple days but I finally got them all in the ground. (Don't condemn. I have no idea where my days go.) Yesterday I got the little garden plot fertilized, and now I need to weed. This is harder than it sounds because my 5 month old son doesn't like me being out there. Maybe when hubby comes home tonight.
Anyway, a while ago I noticed some little green leaves coming up where I had not planted anything this year! I knew what it was, and now, it looks like this:
As I was out watering my little garden today I was so happy to see the onions greening up. My grandmothers irises are about to bloom
You can see a little of my "volunteer" plants there to the top right :D and the onions behind the tomatoes.
Imagine my excitement when just as I was about to go back inside so little Sharp Toes wouldn't get sunburned, I noticed this:
and this:
Can you see them?? Those poor torched little irises are ACTUALLY going to make flowers for me. I'm so thankful for this bit of color I hugged little Sharp Toes and almost cried. You can even see in that bottom picture how sad and burned the leaves got, but that tough little flower is still going to bloom!
So finally here's a quick picture of the entire garden spot:
You can definitely see how sad those poor irises look. But Some of them are blooming!! Grandma's are in the front. They are the healthy looking ones. . . They were more well established and therefore more able to withstand four days of neglect. Anyway, see that tall stick that looks more like a wire or something to the left of my hose? with a spidery looking base? it's come up each year we've been here. It makes a purple fluffy looking flower at the top of that tall stalk. I have no idea what it it, but I leave it alone because it was here and it's not hurting anything. Anyone know what it is and can tell me?
You know I find it a little funny but with this small amount of playing in the dirt I find myself fantasizing about when I have my own house and can grow a "real" garden with rows of plants instead of two and more variety than just onions, peppers, tomatoes, and potatoes. I'll grow peas and beans and squash and cucumbers and zucchini and corn and and and. . . I feel blessed for what I have now. I'm so thankful my eyes found those blossoms. I'm so glad I have hands that can pull weeds and plant and water. I'm so thankful for eyes that can see the beauty of this world. I'm so glad I have a landlord who will let me play in the dirt. :) Feeling so blessed.
Every time I go out there I find myself singing this song. Love you all. Here's hoping you have your own "bit of earth" and don't worry. It may look dead, but remember spring will beat the winter every time.
My Mother had a plot of irises at the top of our driveway that would bloom with purple blossoms every spring. I loved that spot of hope and color after the long dreary Idaho winters. I remember watching them as the little buds began to emerge and I knew that the browns and grays and dirt of winter had been beaten back again.
Imagine my excitement this year when EIGHT little plants came up! I was literally doing happy dances. I wasn't even sure the poor things had survived our never ending winter.
My sister Rosalee offered to share some of her garden with me including her many colors of irises and I joyfully said I would take some. I guessed that digging them up and moving them a hour away would shock them badly enough that they wouldn't bloom this year, but I was looking forward to a LOT of color next year. She gave me some of each color she had. I helped her dig them up rushed home and put them in the ground. Then I left on vacation for four days. . .
When I got home, my little flower patch looked like someone had taken a torch to it. They were all laying on the ground like exhausted little children so I tried to prop them up with soil. Sad but hopeful, I turned on the sprinklers and waited.
My visiting teacher and friend bought a tomato plant and brought it to me with excerpts from this talk from the most recent LDS general conference. She is so amazing. I love her. Well, now I had to include veggies in my little garden spot, so my husband and I went and purchased another tomato, two pepper plants and a package of onion starts. It took me a couple days but I finally got them all in the ground. (Don't condemn. I have no idea where my days go.) Yesterday I got the little garden plot fertilized, and now I need to weed. This is harder than it sounds because my 5 month old son doesn't like me being out there. Maybe when hubby comes home tonight.
Anyway, a while ago I noticed some little green leaves coming up where I had not planted anything this year! I knew what it was, and now, it looks like this:
As I was out watering my little garden today I was so happy to see the onions greening up. My grandmothers irises are about to bloom
You can see how sad and tired the other irises look in behind the tall ones. Poor kids. . . hopefully next year. Here are my tomato and pepper plants:
Imagine my excitement when just as I was about to go back inside so little Sharp Toes wouldn't get sunburned, I noticed this:
and this:
So finally here's a quick picture of the entire garden spot:
You know I find it a little funny but with this small amount of playing in the dirt I find myself fantasizing about when I have my own house and can grow a "real" garden with rows of plants instead of two and more variety than just onions, peppers, tomatoes, and potatoes. I'll grow peas and beans and squash and cucumbers and zucchini and corn and and and. . . I feel blessed for what I have now. I'm so thankful my eyes found those blossoms. I'm so glad I have hands that can pull weeds and plant and water. I'm so thankful for eyes that can see the beauty of this world. I'm so glad I have a landlord who will let me play in the dirt. :) Feeling so blessed.
Every time I go out there I find myself singing this song. Love you all. Here's hoping you have your own "bit of earth" and don't worry. It may look dead, but remember spring will beat the winter every time.
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
thank you body part 2
I'm typing one handed because I'm holding my sleeping son. I am often overwhelmed by how much I love this kid.
My mom gave me all the makings for a quilt for him. It is so beautiful. I ponder the fact that she needs cataract surgery because her vision is "like someone spilled chocolate milk all over everything", and she has sarcoidosis which causes her pain. She also is dealing with trigeminal neuralgia, fibromyalgia, and some other chronic conditions. She would probably not thank me for sharing this, but in order to understand what a treasure this quilt is, you need to know what she's dealing with. She can't see well, the sarcoid is also effecting her hearing, and she is in several types of chronic pain. In spite of all of this she created a blanket for my son. She has made hand quilted baby blankets and larger quilts for decades, but not with these increasingly stacked odds. She told me that she can no longer see well enough to quilt this blanket, and asked if I would be willing to quilt it. I've been working on it for about a week now. This is giving me the opportunity to ponder what a treasure my mother is, as well as what a blessing it is for me to have a body that still works well for me. With every finger poke I am reminded of the sacrifices my Mom made to give me this body and this life. I will forever be in her debt. Not only for what she has given me, but for what she taught me. I love you Mom. Thank you for this body and this life.
My mom gave me all the makings for a quilt for him. It is so beautiful. I ponder the fact that she needs cataract surgery because her vision is "like someone spilled chocolate milk all over everything", and she has sarcoidosis which causes her pain. She also is dealing with trigeminal neuralgia, fibromyalgia, and some other chronic conditions. She would probably not thank me for sharing this, but in order to understand what a treasure this quilt is, you need to know what she's dealing with. She can't see well, the sarcoid is also effecting her hearing, and she is in several types of chronic pain. In spite of all of this she created a blanket for my son. She has made hand quilted baby blankets and larger quilts for decades, but not with these increasingly stacked odds. She told me that she can no longer see well enough to quilt this blanket, and asked if I would be willing to quilt it. I've been working on it for about a week now. This is giving me the opportunity to ponder what a treasure my mother is, as well as what a blessing it is for me to have a body that still works well for me. With every finger poke I am reminded of the sacrifices my Mom made to give me this body and this life. I will forever be in her debt. Not only for what she has given me, but for what she taught me. I love you Mom. Thank you for this body and this life.
Friday, May 3, 2013
Thank you body
So I'm not so good at the daily thing, but here's what I've been thankful for my body for this week:
1) On Tuesday, my body made two meals for a dear friend who recently had a baby. It was so fun to do this for her. I made sweet and sour chicken from my grand mothers recipe. I also made a new recipe I've never done before:cheese stuffed pasta shells. I used my home made marinara. Yummo!
2) On Wednesday I had a lot of fun! I drove up to my sisters home and spent two hours digging starts out of her garden. I got some irises for my garden and some irises and strawberries and raspberries for another sister. I then drove home and dug the grass out of my garden and planted my irises. I'm so excited to see them bloom! I know they may not bloom this year, but they will be beautiful when they do. After planting my flower garden, I cleaned my house and packed up for our trip to central utah.
3) Thursday I woke up and helped my sister plant her strawberries. I spent the day playing with my son and my niece and nephews. I'm so glad I have a body.
Still working on the negative self talk thing. . . I'm a work in progress.
1) On Tuesday, my body made two meals for a dear friend who recently had a baby. It was so fun to do this for her. I made sweet and sour chicken from my grand mothers recipe. I also made a new recipe I've never done before:cheese stuffed pasta shells. I used my home made marinara. Yummo!
2) On Wednesday I had a lot of fun! I drove up to my sisters home and spent two hours digging starts out of her garden. I got some irises for my garden and some irises and strawberries and raspberries for another sister. I then drove home and dug the grass out of my garden and planted my irises. I'm so excited to see them bloom! I know they may not bloom this year, but they will be beautiful when they do. After planting my flower garden, I cleaned my house and packed up for our trip to central utah.
3) Thursday I woke up and helped my sister plant her strawberries. I spent the day playing with my son and my niece and nephews. I'm so glad I have a body.
Still working on the negative self talk thing. . . I'm a work in progress.
Monday, April 29, 2013
Girl Look at that Body!
So I was going to quilt for the next hour while Sharp Toes is sleeping, but I saw something on Facebook that's got me a little fired up! So, I decided to blog about it and start a challenge of my own. What could I possibly see that would convince me to give up a hour of back breaking quilting you ask? Well, first a little background. Many of you probably already know, but I'm working to take better care of my body. Starting with a goal to lose a total of 120 lbs. I've already lost 60ish of them (I cheated and had a baby) But I'm still far from finished. I've been using sparkpeople.com, and basically just trying to make little changes and better choices every day. Today I joined a fitness challenge the SDMchallenge http://slapdashmom.com/8-week-healthy-weight-loss-challenge-sdmchallenge/ If you want to join in. But one of the ladies on the facebook page said she was going to take a before picture and then said "It'll be gross just a warning" She then went on to say that she was embarrassed to tell us her weight because "I'm probably the biggest one on here." Ok, fine don't tell me how much you weigh. I don't care, but here's what bothers me. She said her body was "gross"!
Ok I'll give you this our bodies can and do do some pretty gross things. However, I am quickly coming to the conclusion that our bodies are miraculous! NOT gross. I don't care what condition a body is in, it is a miracle. A woman gave 7 - 10 months of her comfort and convenience to create that body. She in all likelihood went through the physical test of giving birth to create that body, who are you to call it "gross" Ok, so maybe I didn't take very good care of it. Is that my Body's fault? not usually. The choices we make every day tend to show up on our bodies, but really that is just another miracle of our bodies.
Call it a trip to new awakenings or a perspective challenge. I want to change the way I think about my body. I've had 30ish years of thinking negatively about it, I want to retrain my brain. So here's my challenge in two parts:
1) Take 5 minutes every day to thank my body for something specific it has done or helped me do that I could not have done without it. For example, holding/ feeding Sharp Toes, the way my muscles move when I take him for a walk, something I created using my body.
2) Cease all negative self talk starting NOW! This is going to be tough, but if you just stop a habit, it won't go away, you have to replace it. So, Every time I catch myself hating on my body I will focus on positive aspects of my body for 5 minutes and then I will do something for which it deserves thanks for 30 minutes.
I will focus on this challenge for the next 3 months (ish. Till my birthday at the end of July) If you would like to join me, please do. Feel free to share any great body discoveries in the comments. I will try to blog my discoveries/ thanks body sessions each day. Remind me if I miss a day. :)
Ok I'll give you this our bodies can and do do some pretty gross things. However, I am quickly coming to the conclusion that our bodies are miraculous! NOT gross. I don't care what condition a body is in, it is a miracle. A woman gave 7 - 10 months of her comfort and convenience to create that body. She in all likelihood went through the physical test of giving birth to create that body, who are you to call it "gross" Ok, so maybe I didn't take very good care of it. Is that my Body's fault? not usually. The choices we make every day tend to show up on our bodies, but really that is just another miracle of our bodies.
Call it a trip to new awakenings or a perspective challenge. I want to change the way I think about my body. I've had 30ish years of thinking negatively about it, I want to retrain my brain. So here's my challenge in two parts:
1) Take 5 minutes every day to thank my body for something specific it has done or helped me do that I could not have done without it. For example, holding/ feeding Sharp Toes, the way my muscles move when I take him for a walk, something I created using my body.
2) Cease all negative self talk starting NOW! This is going to be tough, but if you just stop a habit, it won't go away, you have to replace it. So, Every time I catch myself hating on my body I will focus on positive aspects of my body for 5 minutes and then I will do something for which it deserves thanks for 30 minutes.
I will focus on this challenge for the next 3 months (ish. Till my birthday at the end of July) If you would like to join me, please do. Feel free to share any great body discoveries in the comments. I will try to blog my discoveries/ thanks body sessions each day. Remind me if I miss a day. :)
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Mother
I am a vessel.
Filled with gifts
Others come and ask of me
And I give
Wondering that the vessel is never empty
Filled with gifts
Others come and ask of me
And I give
Wondering that the vessel is never empty
Random thoughts in my head.
Tried to go to church today. The Baby wasn't having it. He screamed and screamed as we were trying to get out out the door. I finally gave up. My section
incision is burning. It has been since last night when I went to bed.
Wonder why. Trying to figure out how to add more protein to my diet.
Don't like meat. Makes it hard. Don't like eggs. Working on that one.
Beans. . . I know I know. Trying to get back on the wagon after being
sick can be really hard. Baby finally sleeping. Must spend time with
the husband.
Saturday, April 13, 2013
Things I have learned from dieting
1) It's really freaking hard.
2) I find myself thinking about food CONSTANTLY. It's very irritating. If i'm not wondering how I could have cut calories better in the last meal, I'm planning the next one. I feel seriously one track minded.
3) Drinking water makes it easiER (it's still freaking hard) but it means I have to go pee every like 30 minutes.
4) Dieting (and let's be honest here, I'm not going to stick to a fad diet. Just not going to happen) really means making a long term change in my life. I have to retrain my brain and my body to like different foods and to have different comfort mechanisms. It's about changing my entire relationship with food. Food does not like to be broken up with.
2) I find myself thinking about food CONSTANTLY. It's very irritating. If i'm not wondering how I could have cut calories better in the last meal, I'm planning the next one. I feel seriously one track minded.
3) Drinking water makes it easiER (it's still freaking hard) but it means I have to go pee every like 30 minutes.
4) Dieting (and let's be honest here, I'm not going to stick to a fad diet. Just not going to happen) really means making a long term change in my life. I have to retrain my brain and my body to like different foods and to have different comfort mechanisms. It's about changing my entire relationship with food. Food does not like to be broken up with.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Baby story Part the first
HAHA I started this post several months ago, and with baby and all else it didn't get posted. It's not complete, but if I wait for it to be complete, it will never get posted, so I'll post some today, and try to post more of my pregnancy story and birth story later.
So, yes, it's been almost a year. I bet you all thought I'd forgotten about this little writing thing I was doing. Well, I didn't, it's just been a crazy year. Now I wish I'd been more faithful about writing because I can't remember what made it so busy. I know that starting in April, I was exhausted almost all the time. There was a good reason for that. I know that I was working full time plus. I know that I worried about saying the wrong thing or causing pain for people that I love. There is also a good reason for that. They just happen to be the same reason. In April, we learned that we, Brandon and I, would be having a baby. I was over the moon excited! I've wanted to be a Mommy since. . . well, probably since I was born! But more realistically for as long as i can remember. However, I guess I'm a pessimist because I found out I was pregnant and my first thought was something like: "I don't want to tell anyone yet because what if I miscarry and then I have to explain THAT to everyone." So, I kept it to myself, and consequently went off the grid.
I learned that the first trimester is exhausting!!! So often people have told me that the first trimester is the time for morning sickness. I'm here to say that every woman is different! Because I threw up a grand total of three times the entire pregnancy. The first time I had a migraine and had not eaten for 16 to 18 hours. Believe me this was a very bad idea. There's a reason pregnant women should keep crackers by the bed. Dry heaves is not my idea of fun. I literally felt like I was simultaneously and involuntarily humping the toilet and burying my face in a shrine to the porcelain diety. Not eating doesn't make anything better. Apparently, eating didn't make it better this time either because the second time, was about 30 minutes and one bowl of cereal after the first time. It included more dry heaves, and this time, as my Father would say: "calling Mama Moose on the great white telephone." As soon as my husband got home I asked him to clean the toilet. I managed to keep it mostly clean through the rest of the pregnancy. There is nothing worse than throwing up in a dirty toilet. Just sayin'. The third time I was an innocent victim of a toothbrush. I quickly learned that the back of my tongue would have to make do with mouthwash unless I wanted to spend the rest of my life with a toothbrush in my mouth and dry heaves. So, perhaps it was a blessing just for me, but morning sickness wasn't bad at all! What was bad? Heartburn and EXHAUSTION!! On that note, WHY did no one tell me that heartburn is a pregnancy thing?? That totally sideswiped me.
But about the exhaustion: It was almost like I couldn't stand to be conscious for more than an hour before my body began to betray me. But the complete shut down of my body from seemingly causeless exhaustion caught me completely by surprise as well.
You see, I come from a family of super women! Literally. Two of my sisters built their houses while they were pregnant. I don't mean they hired people and had a house built, I mean one sister, by herself, with her two hands built a house! She even got up on the roof and was putting on shingles while she was very pregnant!! The other was assisting with laying tile and minor electrical work. I grew up on stories of my Mother helping haul hay while pregnant! My baby sister worked 50 + hours weekly while pregnant with her first. My Brothers wife decided to paint her house pregnant! I could probably go on, but it would be redundant. The point is that the women I know don't stop going, they don't take naps, and they certainly don't look like they've been hammered and drug through an exhausted mine backwards just because they are growing a baby! (Some would say that these are stupid dangerous things to be doing while pregnant, and I'll admit that to some extent they are, but that is a moot point because Women in my family don't care!! If something needs to be done, we are going to do it.)
I on the other hand, wanted nothing more than to lay in my bed and never see the sun again almost as soon as my body registered that my baby was coming.
Somehow I made it through (obviously) and about 16 weeks, I finally was able to handle life again.
So, yes, it's been almost a year. I bet you all thought I'd forgotten about this little writing thing I was doing. Well, I didn't, it's just been a crazy year. Now I wish I'd been more faithful about writing because I can't remember what made it so busy. I know that starting in April, I was exhausted almost all the time. There was a good reason for that. I know that I was working full time plus. I know that I worried about saying the wrong thing or causing pain for people that I love. There is also a good reason for that. They just happen to be the same reason. In April, we learned that we, Brandon and I, would be having a baby. I was over the moon excited! I've wanted to be a Mommy since. . . well, probably since I was born! But more realistically for as long as i can remember. However, I guess I'm a pessimist because I found out I was pregnant and my first thought was something like: "I don't want to tell anyone yet because what if I miscarry and then I have to explain THAT to everyone." So, I kept it to myself, and consequently went off the grid.
I learned that the first trimester is exhausting!!! So often people have told me that the first trimester is the time for morning sickness. I'm here to say that every woman is different! Because I threw up a grand total of three times the entire pregnancy. The first time I had a migraine and had not eaten for 16 to 18 hours. Believe me this was a very bad idea. There's a reason pregnant women should keep crackers by the bed. Dry heaves is not my idea of fun. I literally felt like I was simultaneously and involuntarily humping the toilet and burying my face in a shrine to the porcelain diety. Not eating doesn't make anything better. Apparently, eating didn't make it better this time either because the second time, was about 30 minutes and one bowl of cereal after the first time. It included more dry heaves, and this time, as my Father would say: "calling Mama Moose on the great white telephone." As soon as my husband got home I asked him to clean the toilet. I managed to keep it mostly clean through the rest of the pregnancy. There is nothing worse than throwing up in a dirty toilet. Just sayin'. The third time I was an innocent victim of a toothbrush. I quickly learned that the back of my tongue would have to make do with mouthwash unless I wanted to spend the rest of my life with a toothbrush in my mouth and dry heaves. So, perhaps it was a blessing just for me, but morning sickness wasn't bad at all! What was bad? Heartburn and EXHAUSTION!! On that note, WHY did no one tell me that heartburn is a pregnancy thing?? That totally sideswiped me.
But about the exhaustion: It was almost like I couldn't stand to be conscious for more than an hour before my body began to betray me. But the complete shut down of my body from seemingly causeless exhaustion caught me completely by surprise as well.
You see, I come from a family of super women! Literally. Two of my sisters built their houses while they were pregnant. I don't mean they hired people and had a house built, I mean one sister, by herself, with her two hands built a house! She even got up on the roof and was putting on shingles while she was very pregnant!! The other was assisting with laying tile and minor electrical work. I grew up on stories of my Mother helping haul hay while pregnant! My baby sister worked 50 + hours weekly while pregnant with her first. My Brothers wife decided to paint her house pregnant! I could probably go on, but it would be redundant. The point is that the women I know don't stop going, they don't take naps, and they certainly don't look like they've been hammered and drug through an exhausted mine backwards just because they are growing a baby! (Some would say that these are stupid dangerous things to be doing while pregnant, and I'll admit that to some extent they are, but that is a moot point because Women in my family don't care!! If something needs to be done, we are going to do it.)
I on the other hand, wanted nothing more than to lay in my bed and never see the sun again almost as soon as my body registered that my baby was coming.
Somehow I made it through (obviously) and about 16 weeks, I finally was able to handle life again.
Motivation.
Warning: If personal issues make you uncomfortable, stop reading now.
I've been trying to lose weight. I've been using sparkpeople.com again because I had so much success with it before I got pregnant with my son. Unfortunately, I got really sick a couple weeks ago, and basically gave myself permission to eat whatever sounded good. Then my husband got sick and I was so stressed about him missing a week of work and everything that I didn't make myself get back on the wagon. I didn't put on much weight in the two weeks that I was frolicking in the fields instead of leading the parade, but I didn't lose any either. I have so much i want to lose. I need to remember why I'm doing this. So here we go.
My reasons for wanting to lose 80 lbs.
1) I will be much healthier without the extra weight. I've always known this, it's having the picture in my head that gets tricky. I want to be able to do the physical activities that sound fun to me without feeling held back by sweat or fear of someone seeing my fat jiggle. I want to have lower blood pressure. I want to have a lower resting heart rate. I want my muscles to feel alive like they have when I've been working out every day. I want to feel the joy of running just for running's sake like I did when I was a child.
2) I want to be able to play with my son when he starts crawling and walking. And by "play with my son" I don't mean lay on the floor and tickle him or sit on a bench while he plays at the park, I mean I want to have the energy to play tag with him and cowboys and indians and cops and robbers and catch and anti-I-over and red rover and tag and all those crazy fun games I used to love when I was a kid.
3)I want my son to see me have an active healthy lifestyle so that he will want the same. Really I want my son to have a healthier more active life than I've had. I want him to enjoy being outdoors and running. I want him to feel the joy of having a physical body. But I know that in order for him to understand those joys, He has to see them in action. If he only see's his Mama on the computer all the time, that's what he will want to do for fun. I get to be the one to show him how awesome it is to ride a stick pony and push the merry go round and run just for the joy of feeling the wind in his hair.
4) I want to feel beautiful in my skin. Let's be honest, I've never really liked my body. This is something I've been working on recently. I started with trying to remember a time when I did like my body, or at least a time when I didn't think "Icka"about it. It's hard. I remember thinking my body was beautiful when I first went to the temple, but thinking "maybe not beautiful in the way other people would recognize, and that can be ok." Having a baby has actually helped because: "Wow!! Look what my body did! and look what it can do now!" however, I still struggle with being ok with how my body looks. shallow sal I know. Now, this next part could be a little icky for some who may be reading this, however, I need to be honest about my reasons, and this is part of this reason. My husband has this endearing habit of touching me. Unfortunately because of my body issues, I always wonder if he's feeling my fat or if he's feeling ME. . . usually I assume it's my fat. I want to not be that way anymore. I want to not recoil in fear when my husband touches. Whether that be fear of what he's feeling or fear of what he might feel or fear of what he will think if he feels what I think is there. I understand that this is an issue that losing weight alone will not fix, but it's still a motivating force for m.
5) I want clothes to fit me better. Recently several women in my ward at Church have offered clothes for free to anyone who wants them. . . they have always been too small. How fun will it be to be able to at least go try them on in the future? How fun will it be to be able to see a cute shirt at the mall or even at walmart and not have my first thought be "I wish they would make that in my size." How fun will it be to feel ok going somewhere other than Lane Bryant ( as much as I love that store) to find clothes? I want to be able to buy bras that aren't engineering miracles. (My husband may not agree with that last part, but there it is.) I want to be able to buy pretty bras and cute flirty clothes and not feel like they are going to show my worst flabby area. . . I hate that feeling. It's time to take control and create a body that feels beautiful to me in whatever I'm wearing.
6) My son was born c section. I've ALWAYS wanted to know what it's like to have a baby naturally, no meds, no surgery, no help. I believe my body can do this and I believe it was really made to do this. Because My first baby was born c-section, if I'm ever going to experience what a vaginal delivery is like, I HAVE to get healthy. If I get pregnant without being healthy, the doctors will not let me try a VBAC. I know this may sound crazy to some people out there, but it's a big deal to me. Birth has always been fascinating to me. I want to experience that for myself. Next time I will be able to feel all of my body, and I will not have major abdominal surgery. There are some advantages to both Mom and Baby with doing things as naturally as possible. I'm not afraid of this. I'm actually excited. I just need to get my body ready FIRST.
7) My son had some pretty intense complications because of my weight and my high blood pressure. After he was born the doctor informed me that even hours later and the outcome may have been much less happy. My children (yes I'm including those yet to be) deserve to have a healthy vessel to start their lives in.
Can you tell I'm a proud Mama? This next one isn't mine, but I'm using it to represent the ones to come. :)
8) I deserve to have a healthy vessel to live in. I am a daughter of GOD. HE gave me this body, this sacred vessel to take me through this life. Not only do I DESERVE to have it be healthy, it is my stewardship. I get to take care of this body because it's the only one I get.
9) I want more energy. I want to WANT to get out and exercise/ play/ have fun being active.
10) I want a new wardrobe. When I drop the weight, I will have to buy new clothes because none of my old clothes will fit. I already had to take in my pants, and that felt awesome! Next stop I'm going to purchase something new for myself.
11) my husband and I are getting financially fit. I want to have a physically fit body so I can enjoy the life we will lead when we are out of debt.
I need to think of more reasons so that when those late night munchies hit I can hit back, but for now, that's what I can think of. I got bored of finding pics. . . sorry. :)
I've been trying to lose weight. I've been using sparkpeople.com again because I had so much success with it before I got pregnant with my son. Unfortunately, I got really sick a couple weeks ago, and basically gave myself permission to eat whatever sounded good. Then my husband got sick and I was so stressed about him missing a week of work and everything that I didn't make myself get back on the wagon. I didn't put on much weight in the two weeks that I was frolicking in the fields instead of leading the parade, but I didn't lose any either. I have so much i want to lose. I need to remember why I'm doing this. So here we go.
My reasons for wanting to lose 80 lbs.
1) I will be much healthier without the extra weight. I've always known this, it's having the picture in my head that gets tricky. I want to be able to do the physical activities that sound fun to me without feeling held back by sweat or fear of someone seeing my fat jiggle. I want to have lower blood pressure. I want to have a lower resting heart rate. I want my muscles to feel alive like they have when I've been working out every day. I want to feel the joy of running just for running's sake like I did when I was a child.
2) I want to be able to play with my son when he starts crawling and walking. And by "play with my son" I don't mean lay on the floor and tickle him or sit on a bench while he plays at the park, I mean I want to have the energy to play tag with him and cowboys and indians and cops and robbers and catch and anti-I-over and red rover and tag and all those crazy fun games I used to love when I was a kid.
3)I want my son to see me have an active healthy lifestyle so that he will want the same. Really I want my son to have a healthier more active life than I've had. I want him to enjoy being outdoors and running. I want him to feel the joy of having a physical body. But I know that in order for him to understand those joys, He has to see them in action. If he only see's his Mama on the computer all the time, that's what he will want to do for fun. I get to be the one to show him how awesome it is to ride a stick pony and push the merry go round and run just for the joy of feeling the wind in his hair.
4) I want to feel beautiful in my skin. Let's be honest, I've never really liked my body. This is something I've been working on recently. I started with trying to remember a time when I did like my body, or at least a time when I didn't think "Icka"about it. It's hard. I remember thinking my body was beautiful when I first went to the temple, but thinking "maybe not beautiful in the way other people would recognize, and that can be ok." Having a baby has actually helped because: "Wow!! Look what my body did! and look what it can do now!" however, I still struggle with being ok with how my body looks. shallow sal I know. Now, this next part could be a little icky for some who may be reading this, however, I need to be honest about my reasons, and this is part of this reason. My husband has this endearing habit of touching me. Unfortunately because of my body issues, I always wonder if he's feeling my fat or if he's feeling ME. . . usually I assume it's my fat. I want to not be that way anymore. I want to not recoil in fear when my husband touches. Whether that be fear of what he's feeling or fear of what he might feel or fear of what he will think if he feels what I think is there. I understand that this is an issue that losing weight alone will not fix, but it's still a motivating force for m.
5) I want clothes to fit me better. Recently several women in my ward at Church have offered clothes for free to anyone who wants them. . . they have always been too small. How fun will it be to be able to at least go try them on in the future? How fun will it be to be able to see a cute shirt at the mall or even at walmart and not have my first thought be "I wish they would make that in my size." How fun will it be to feel ok going somewhere other than Lane Bryant ( as much as I love that store) to find clothes? I want to be able to buy bras that aren't engineering miracles. (My husband may not agree with that last part, but there it is.) I want to be able to buy pretty bras and cute flirty clothes and not feel like they are going to show my worst flabby area. . . I hate that feeling. It's time to take control and create a body that feels beautiful to me in whatever I'm wearing.
6) My son was born c section. I've ALWAYS wanted to know what it's like to have a baby naturally, no meds, no surgery, no help. I believe my body can do this and I believe it was really made to do this. Because My first baby was born c-section, if I'm ever going to experience what a vaginal delivery is like, I HAVE to get healthy. If I get pregnant without being healthy, the doctors will not let me try a VBAC. I know this may sound crazy to some people out there, but it's a big deal to me. Birth has always been fascinating to me. I want to experience that for myself. Next time I will be able to feel all of my body, and I will not have major abdominal surgery. There are some advantages to both Mom and Baby with doing things as naturally as possible. I'm not afraid of this. I'm actually excited. I just need to get my body ready FIRST.
7) My son had some pretty intense complications because of my weight and my high blood pressure. After he was born the doctor informed me that even hours later and the outcome may have been much less happy. My children (yes I'm including those yet to be) deserve to have a healthy vessel to start their lives in.
8) I deserve to have a healthy vessel to live in. I am a daughter of GOD. HE gave me this body, this sacred vessel to take me through this life. Not only do I DESERVE to have it be healthy, it is my stewardship. I get to take care of this body because it's the only one I get.
9) I want more energy. I want to WANT to get out and exercise/ play/ have fun being active.
10) I want a new wardrobe. When I drop the weight, I will have to buy new clothes because none of my old clothes will fit. I already had to take in my pants, and that felt awesome! Next stop I'm going to purchase something new for myself.
11) my husband and I are getting financially fit. I want to have a physically fit body so I can enjoy the life we will lead when we are out of debt.
I need to think of more reasons so that when those late night munchies hit I can hit back, but for now, that's what I can think of. I got bored of finding pics. . . sorry. :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)